Written 2018-07-10 at Sunset Bay State Park, Oregon.
Photo Taken 2022-07-08 at Sunset Bay State Park, Oregon.
My shades are not like yours.
I radiate in their darkness.
Stomping out all light.
Sunny disposition,
you are not welcome.
I travel only in shadow.
I am stranded on a never ending pain plateau
I sit where the beach meets the meadow.
Hidden by tall grass amongst the trees of shadow.
Ominous, the sound of wind whistles trading notes.
I am transported back to foot hills of pain.
I am steps from boats,
but it’s a destination I cannot gain.
I’m going to kill myself on the train
Enchanted by crashing waves of sadness,
I reminisce.
A life of happiness,
I cannot have this.
I am an imposter,
only tears can I foster.
My world blurs as tears flow.
I come to the beach and cry.
I sit in the shade as others play.
I am surrounded by happiness,
but why can’t I?
I just want to die
My words below my pen blur.
My tears flow as I mourn for dark.
Distant cheers grow as others pray for light.
A bubble distracts me as it flies right past me.
I look up to see bubbles for a baby.
I look up to see parents and children as family.
My stubble reminds of afflictions that fast me.
I look in to see my rubble, it’s no place of hope.
I look in at my diseases, my disorders and my dysphoria.
My identity in society is both an obscenity and a nonentity.
I just wanted amenity
No man will fill me.
Women taunt with what I wish to flaunt.
I am both barren and sterile.
Even if fertility returned,
I have turned.
I am spoiled for material wealth.
My heart spoils for mental health.
I have never wanted for a perfect life.
I have never wanted to be someone’s wife.
I am afraid to smile, that’s my life.
I date my own kind, to avoid strife
I put on my shades to deny myself your light.
I put them on to blind myself from being shown the way.
I put them on so you will go away.
I put them on because I know no other way.
